Joy, D-I-S-C and a general synopsis of internal my internal conflict

The battle for the C personality is Joy. The lady teaching a biblical personality study at my church said that and I've been mulling it over all week. 

To understand this post, you need to understand the DISC personality types, so here's a lil overview (Note, these are not all correct. I'm just giving a very general basis to paint a mental picture):

The D is the dominant, driving, controlling, in charge person. They know how to get crap done and aren't scared to hurt your feelings in the process. They're very goal oriented and are amazing leaders. People who are very high D's will see a problem and won't be scared to fix it. Sometimes they're stubborn workaholics, but they're always practical (and fast. Very very fast.)

The I is the funny, outspoken, popular person. They're very reward/fun/people oriented. They care so incredibly much for people and want everyone to share in their happiness. They can be sensitive and need attaboys (or girls) here and there. Basically think of that one uncle on the holidays that everyone loves because he's just straight up hilarious and extraverted and makes everyone play charades. 

The S is the steady one. They're very good workers, but they need a while to get going. They have this happy bubble that they stay in that helps them recoup. They love to help people and care very much about relationships. They're good one on one friends and love to have pleasant conversations. Think about the lady who's always smiling and made your family food when your mom broke her arm.

The C is the thinking one. C's are very analytical, critical and right. They have a very high standard that they force upon themselves and they long to be perfect. They can be pretty awkward in social situations and have a hard time with criticism (because they are the biggest critics of themselves and it kills them to have flaws in their work). C's are the major rule followers (The teacher said not to talk, so why the heck are you talking?? No phones allowed really means no phones allowed. ect) and are the people who see every single detail in a painting or project. C's are also horribly practical, if not more than the D's. 


I am a mix of a very high D and a very high C. So basically I see every detail in the problem, instantly map out a plan to fix it, enact that plan perfectly the first time (or so I wish) and get it fixed. I get so frustrated when people directly disobey rules and in the process make a stupid mistake. 

Annnnd it's that area that has been my Achilles heel all week. (Mr. Lit teacher, that was for you. If you're reading this, you're still checking out my blog after I called you fat; No, mom, I'm not being rude, its a class joke) Almost everyday in first period, some kid has broken the rules, done something stupid, taken WAY too long to do an easy task, hurt someone in the process of their rule-breaking and honestly just got on my nerves. The D part of me has kicked in and I've been a total jerk. I've yelled at, and apologized to these two particular people about three times in four days. 

The D in me can handle that. If you're gonna be stupid, I'm gonna step in deal with it. The C in me always wants to fix the situation, and right now I can't exactly fix it. And it's totally aware that every time I snap, I'm hurting that person, being a bad example, shutting a possible door for the gospel...ect. Plus, in my next class I turned in a paper that I'm not proud of at all. It's not even close to my average school, just-turning-this-in-cuz-I-need-a-good-grade thing. I rewrote it four times. Over the last weekend I had so much internal conflict going on. I knew I needed to turn in the stupid paper, I knew that my worst writing would probably still get at least a C (I don't mean that pridefully.) and that it was just an essay. There would be plenty of others. But the other half of me was dying. Nothing was right. The characters were all wrong. I could've used better wording. My sentences don't make sense. The story isn't even accurate. 

I allowed the D side of me kick in and I turned that sucker in early, so of course I've been stressing about that like a madman since Monday. 

Back to what I said at the beginning of this post, the battle for the C is joy. D's have a natural stress outlet; Getting a job done. C's don't. If there weren't people like I's around to pull us out of our funk, if God wasn't so loving and caring, we'd sit in our misery and imperfection forever.

So I deal with that, but I have the D part that helps me relax. But what happens when the jobs aren't getting done? I'm sitting right now looking at a twelve bullet point list that has to be crossed off by tomorrow and I'm only half way done with each item on it. Right now I feel a burning need to get every single thing done right now, even if I do a bad job. The other half of me is dying because I know that there's not enough time to get everything done right.

Joy. I really need that right now. Last night at youth group, PA talked about how Joy is a choice. Happiness is a fleeting feeling that changes faster than winter to summer in Georgia. Joy is a choice. I need to chose to be joyful, even when people at school are being literal buttheads. Even when I turn in crappy homework. Even when my Spanish teacher won't let me listen to music as I work on a project. 

I need to remember that God is taking care of things, and in the big picture, none of my homework will matter. What will matter is if I backtalk a teacher or hurt a classmate's feelings, both of which will put a wall up and prevent me from earning the right to mention Jesus in a conversation. I need to remember that I'm human, I will mess things up. I will never ever ever be perfect and neither will my work. And I need to remember that that's okay. Jesus is perfect for me. He'll give me plenty of opportunities to be joyful and throughout next week I'm gonna be watching for them with both eyes open. 

***Update: sorry this is so long, but it felt good to post *something* again