Begone Tho(ugh)t


So I thought about this post a lot and had it all planned out but as soon as I sat down to write I forgot it all. Go figure.

Some people who know me really well know that I struggle with my thoughts. People always say that the only thing you can control is yourself and how you react or respond, but what happens when you can’t control what you think? At the core of it, aren’t you, isn’t self, defined by your thoughts?
Growing up in the Church most people’s response to anything related to mental health and unwanted thoughts is to “Take that thought captive in Jesus’ name” which like, yes, do that, but they never talk about how exhausting that is and many of the people who say that haven’t been through it or if they did it was a long time ago. Don’t tell me how to handle my brain when you’ve never had your’s try to kill you. Don’t tell me that a prayer and a simple mindshift is going to change anything if you can’t remember tied up and connected it all is.

John Green calls it a thought spiral and I feel like it’s self explanatory so I’m not gonna go into that, if you wanna learn more about it though check out his YouTube videos about it or read his book “Turtles All the Way Down”. But yeah, thought spiral. Something will pop in my head and I think about it and then what would happen next and then after that and then something else will pop up in that spiral and go like on a spiral detour and it will all keep going like that until either A. I follow all of the spirals and solve every single problem that comes up or B. Something pulls me out. There is no C. That’s it.
I literally just had one as I’m writing this. I saw a lil bug in the kitchen and had to figure out what kind of bug it is and then when I couldn’t I was like crap what if it’s venomous so I learned what kind of diseases you can get from little bugs in your kitchen and then I was like double crap what if Jed gets bit so then I learned how all the preventative steps and first aid for bites from little bugs in your kitchen but then I thought what happens when the bug is extremely venomous and I can’t help Jed or get to the hospital in time and he dies? And then I just sat there.  
Like dang. I really just went from thinking about a little bug to what we’d do with all Jed’s shoes if he was gone. I know that’s really morbid and everything but that’s the reality. That’s my reality. I didn’t used to have bad dreams, but lately I think those spirals have decided to lead into my dreams. I don’t know if those are worse or better, when I’m dreaming I don’t consciously move the spiral, it’s like sitting back watching someone else ride a roller coaster. Even with that I wake up exhausted.

So, back to choices. A, follow the spiral. That can take a long time. I can go from calculators to figuring out how much I could make as a nail technician without a degree. I don’t even like painting nails. Following them gets pretty dark, but if I don’t follow them I feel like this nagging in the back of my brain. Like a song you can’t get out of your head, but you don’t remember the name or any of the lyrics or even the whole song it’s just this one little segment and you can’t place it. That feeling makes me feel crazy.

Choice B. Something pulls me out. KB has this song called Drowning and in one part he says,“Save me from me, save me from me, save me from me before I drown. Throw the raft, before I drown.” That’s choice B. A raft to pull me back to the shore. Sometimes it’s music, but music can also make it worse. TV is great for a while until I finish the show and I can’t distract any longer. Jed helps a lot. Sometimes I’ll wake up from one of the dreams and I’ll look over at my side and there he is snoring peacefully. During the day he’s hilarious. I’ve never met anyone as caring and hilarious as him and when I feel like I can’t get out of bed he’ll bring me snacks and watch anime with me. I’ll tell him I’m sad and he does everything he can to make me smile. Thought spirals work hard but Jedders works harder.

I know some of you aren’t spiritual so like you might not get this but when they get really bad I’m usually alone. Driving to school. In the shower. Doing laundry. People have told me to listen to worship music and to focus on God. I don’t know why but a lot of worship or super churchy music can make me feel more down. BUT there’s these two rappers, KB and Trip Lee. They know what it’s like to be stuck. Trip’s albums  Rise and The Good Life and KB’s 100 EP and albums Tomorrow We Live and Today We Rebel. I don’t know how to explain it, but their songs address all those thoughts and feelings I get and walk through them and in the end lead back to the Truth. I’m not alone. I’m not my thoughts. Those spirals are deep but not deeper than God’s grace for me.
Earlier I asked if self is defined by your thoughts. I don’t think it is. You are not what your brain tells you to think about. You’re not the thoughts of death or injury or failed classes or little bugs in your kitchen. You’re the part that realizes, hey, this is a MESSED up topic brain, let’s fix that. That’s you. The part that tries to grow. At least, I think it is. I could be wrong.

This post was SUPER long and even more depressing so if you made it this far give yourself a pat on the back. I’m gonna put links to some of those songs in case anyone is interested. If CHH (christian hip hop) isn’t your thing, Let it All Work Out and Can’t Be Broken by Lil Wayne slap. So yeah, that’s the tea yall. Everything is gonna be okay eventually, ya just gotta wait for eventually to happen.





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